Cults and their outreach programs.

(Beware, this is gonna be a silly one.)

Have you ever wondered how the cults and such in fantasy novels get new members? I think the most humorous explanation came to me a mere hour or so ago. Now I shall spread my madness to you, the reader.

Imagine a man, Bob for lack of better names, is getting his mail on a bright, sunny day. In his mailbox is only one letter. The envelope is made of an unpleasant leathery substance that smells ever-so-slightly of sulfur and the delicate smell of madness and evil. On the front is his name and address written in a way that somehow suggests tentacles and noneuclidean geometry. In the left corner is a series of runes and glyphs that seem to be written in a dark red substance, presumably the return address. In the right corner, a perfectly normal, if you don't mind Hello Kitty, stamp. As the seal is broken and the envelope is opened, a bitter, baleful light jumps free and rockets skyward, pausing only to suck the life out of the grass and flowers. Bob looks sadly at the now grey and evil looking daffodils.

Bob opens the envelope and takes out the letter inside. It reads: "You have very special qualities that qualify you to join the Order of the Dragon Prince of Total Darkness and Otherwise Evilness. Meet new people and sacrifice them to the 7 hoofed Boar of Zatherifeanon. Survive the Great Lords rise from the sea. Have a seed of evil planted in your heart that will slowly change you into a being made in the image of Kat'erainzaroth. Make new friends and go door-to-door with explanatory pamphlets. Travel to new and exciting places, like the Doom Catacombs of the Sunken City of Thaismedorachikarnea. Get to legitimately say DOOOMM!! at the work place. If you join today, you will recive a fabulous gift of the black cultist robes and hood with gold trim and an atheme made of metals that existed before the universe was formed. Remember, join soon and have your soul dragged screaming and weeping into the maw of Athoraneakodoneth much, much later.".

Bob stared at the letter for a few moments, then shrugged. "Eh, why not? Girls go crazy for a man in a robe.".